Be Grateful, But Don’t Weaponize Gratitude
It’s Thanksgiving, and once again our cultural chatter fills with calls to gratitude. “Be grateful for food on your table and a roof over your head”, “be grateful you have a job”, “be grateful for your loved ones.” This is music to some ears, but to me it sounds like a needle being dragged across a record — not in a fun way, like the DJ is about to break it down, but like the party’s over. Being called to gratitude pisses me off.
“Be grateful” shuts up voices speaking truth to power
It pisses me off because it feels less like an invitation and more like an admonishment. “Be grateful” sounds like the words of an indignant parent scolding a protesting child, and I’m the child. In this scenario, the parent is a power figure exasperated by the child-subordinate’s justified concerns and needs, so “be grateful” is a veiled threat: “be grateful, or I’ll take all of this away…you ungrateful wretch!” Any “thank you” I then utter is therefore appeasement and coerced deference, not gratitude.
“Be grateful” assigns power where there is none — or where it shouldn’t be
Such threats come from insecurity because their power is precarious. Food, shelter and community are the birthright of anyone born on planet Earth. It was a given for hundreds of thousands of years — eons before agriculture and patriarchy and capitalism. If anyone deserves our gratitude it’s the Earth, for it’s only by her cycles and abundance do we live.
Gratitude is directional — it’s given in response to something received. So in calls to “be grateful”, to whom exactly are we to be grateful? Our parents? Our employer? Our country? God? But what if I don’t believe in God? What if the way my country obtains its riches offends my very soul? What if my employer oppresses me? What if my parents abused or neglected me?
And what if I didn’t want the thing I’m being given, should I still be grateful? Should I pretend to like it and to be grateful anyway? If so, how come? To protect the fragile feelings of the giver/power figure? Because I don’t deserve better? Because I don’t matter?
“Be grateful” can be an unwitting call to ignore the very real misery in our lives — isolation, loneliness, exhaustion, lack of purpose, overwhelm, disconnect, ill health, deep anxiety, corrupt leadership, unreliable institutions, meaningless work — and then feel guilty because we’re not jumping for joy because we’re alive and can eat. But what kind of “alive” is that kind of daily misery?
“Be grateful” reinforces unjust hierarchy and suppresses critical questioning
Being told to be grateful usually has an undertone of comparison — you are fortunate compared to the poor wretches who don’t have it as good as you. You are fortunate compared to a previous version of you. But what exactly does “fortunate” mean? The word comes from “fortune” which means “luck” or “chance.” So, I was lucky? I didn’t work my ass off for that food or the roof over my head? I didn’t work hard at my dysfunctional family relationships or study for years so I could get that job? I didn’t fairly earn those things?
I supposed “fortune” does have something to do with “gratitude” in that it was pure luck that I was born in a particular neighborhood, with a particular set of DNA and a particular skin color, to parents with a particular level of income and education. In my case all those spins on the wheel of “fortune” gave me an advantage in life, so if I’m “grateful” it’s easy for me to avoid asking — why can’t people with a different set of chance particulars be as “fortunate” as me? Is that they are inherently less intelligent, hardworking or worthy? If so, then I suppose they should they just be “grateful” for the crumbs they were generously given as charity?
“Be grateful” maintains oppression and suppresses equity and justice
If our recent ancestors were more grateful, most of us would be worse off today. Women would have been so grateful to the men in their lives for their fortunate station in society they might not have pushed for the vote, the right to earn a respectable living, the right to not bear children and the right to exist free of violence. Enslaved people would have been so grateful to “master” for their food, roof and clothes they might not have fought to throw off the chains of bondage and dehumanization.
And if I were only focused on gratitude I would never have woken up to the lies in my life. The fact I had food, shelter, clothing and an employed parent kept me trapped in confusion, shame and blame for many years for my deep unhappiness and troubles. It wasn’t until middle adulthood that I learned I suffered development trauma and have a high ACEs score. This has made every aspect of my life a daily struggle when it comes to how I interact with other people. It’s a big reason I still have not achieved (received?) the two simple things I’ve always wanted in life — great work, great partner. Mistrust of people and a heightened sense of danger are programmed into my nervous system. Despite my protests to the contrary, I’m single, childfree and living solo by unconscious design — I’m safer this way.
“Be grateful” shuts down appropriate anger
I’m not saying I’m not grateful for anything. I’m not saying anyone else shouldn’t be grateful. (Geez, the fact I even feel I need to say this reinforces the fact that expressing gratitude is a requirement for not being seen as a total asshole.) I’m saying focusing only on gratitude is limited and dangerous. I’m saying no one should tell anyone else to be grateful.
One final reason is to honor every season in a person’s life. A necessary stage of coming out of deep freeze or waking up to the truth of one’s reality is rage. Don’t deny me the cleansing fire of anger — the engine of just action and a return to vitality. Don’t get in the way of me feeling all the feelings I was never allowed to feel or express. Don’t get in the way of my healing.
“Be grateful” is usually offered in kindness and good intentions. But its impact can be harmful. It can be a weapon of injustice, of suppression and of power inequities. It can be a weapon that obscures truth, and prevents healing.
So be grateful, but please don’t tell me to be. Please don’t weaponize gratitude.
