There’s only one way to make it BIG (and it’s not talent and hard work)
To be fair, the two young dancers executed a technically flawless routine with breathtaking maturity and emotion. They absolutely deserved to advance to the next round of the competition. And when the MC gave the female half of the duo the mic and asked, “What do you want to say to your fans out there?” I braced myself. Covered in sweat and makeup, driven with all the conviction of her 21 years, she panted, “Believe in yourself and never give up on your dreams! With talent and hard work you can make it!”
I face palmed. Not again! That pernicious lie…again!
Not long after, I was on a webinar for fellow entrepreneur coaches on how to grow our businesses. “I MADE MULTIPLE SIX FIGURES MY FIRST YEAR! A MILLION DOLLARS WITHOUT EVEN A WEBSITE!” the speaker shouted into his camera. “THERE’S ENOUGH MONEY OUT THERE! IF THERE’S ANYTHING GOING WRONG IN YOUR BUSINESS, IT’S YOU! GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!”
Sheesh. I would have eaten this stuff up with a spoon — no, a ladle — just three years ago. Now my eyes rolled so far back in my head I almost fell out of my chair. “NOW I HAVE NO ENERGETIC HOLD ON MONEY!” the “expert” preached. “NOW I LOVE MYSELF! IF YOU’RE HIDING, YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARKET SHARE! WHO ARE YOU HARMING BY NOT BEING YOUR BEST YOUUUUU!!!???” He paused abruptly to find his place in his presentation as if waking from an evangelistic trance — as if coming back to reason after speaking in tongues.
I clicked on “end meeting.” What a load of caca-drivel!
I understand the temptation. We’re eager to believe it’s ALL OUR FAULT we aren’t “making it big” in life, whether that means earning SIX FIGURES IN OUR FIRST YEAR or just getting our calls returned. We’d rather accept self-loathing or tolerate abuse from a stranger than consider that most success factors are out of our control. We’d rather believe that there’s something wrong with us, than something wrong with the world. I get it. I even wrote a poem about it. It’s called “Easier” — because self-hatred is easier than living awakened in a culture that constantly lies. Self-loathing gives us a sense of control.
But make no mistake — these SUCCESS AND FAILURE ARE ALL YOU messages are bullshit. Have you noticed that the ones who preach “never give up on your dreams!” are the ones whose dreams came true? Ever noticed that those saying “with talent and hard work you can make it!” are those who made it?
One disadvantage of living in a highly individualistic culture like ours is we’re blind to the myriad forces outside our individual control that impede our success or bolster our chances. In fact, we’re taught to be blind to the incredible power of structures, systems and happenstance in presenting us with options, and influencing our choices. (For an entire book of examples, see Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers.)
To be fair, this is one of the strengths of our culture. Because we’re blind to the Big Picture and therefore believe we can do anything, we often accomplish remarkable feats. But one shadow side of that blindness is when we succeed, we think we did it all by ourselves. This leads to overblown egos, selfishness and unrealistic expectations for other people. Another shadow is that when we fall short — immediately or eventually — we beat ourselves up. Sometimes we even beat ourselves to death — emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically.
The toll this blindness takes on our individual and collective humanity is enormous. It’s especially acute during our current times when so many people are hurting, out of work, and “failing” in ways some have never experienced before.
So let’s cut through the bullshit and get real about how anyone “makes it” — whether the “it” is money, fame, a career or winning a dance competition. Here’s how: Sell something enough people with enough money want.
That’s it. Let’s break that down into its parts.
1. Sell. Even if you’re not a business owner, you’re selling something. You’re selling time, knowledge, skills, ideas, expression and/or physical labor to an employer or the public at large. You’re selling your thoughts, passion and beliefs to people you want to influence. You’re selling an identity and self-concept to people you want to care about you. This selling isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For millennia before humans invented money, we exchanged objects and services to meet our needs and support our community. But if no one knows you’re selling what you’re selling, your talent, belief and hard work won’t get you very far.
2. Enough people. If only one person wants what you’re selling, you may not “make it” unless that one person has a SHITLOAD of money (see #3). If few-to-no people want (see #4) what you’re selling, it makes no difference how awesome and important and beautiful it is. Your talent, belief and hard work won’t change the math.
3. Enough money. Maybe only one or two people want (again, see #4) what you’re selling if it’s an esoteric collector’s item or an ultra-exclusive service. But if those one or two folks have immense stacks of cash, then sweet! If not, then you’ll need waaaay more people forking out smaller amounts of dough to ensure you “make it.” However, if those that want what you’re selling have little-to-no money, it’s impossible to make it unless they number in the millions. This is one reason why the status quo power structure rarely changes — those who have money have it precisely because the culture as it is likes what they’re selling! They are therefore invested — even unconsciously — in keeping things the way they are. Those that are unhappy with the status quo are unhappy because it doesn’t serve them, which is precisely why they aren’t being rewarded by said status quo with money (and sufficient power to change it)! Sometimes what you’re selling is awesome and important and beautiful — but those who appreciate it are unable to compensate you for it, no matter your talent, belief and hard work. Again, because math.
4. Want. The operative word is want, not “need.” One reason I had to close my first business was because I couldn’t convince enough people (#2) with enough money (#3) that they needed my services. What they wanted wasn’t going to solve their problem, and I knew it. I was unwilling to sell them something that wouldn’t work. Also, I wasn’t always successful in convincing them they needed something different than what they wanted. What people want is heavily influenced by the larger culture. If someone creates art or offers an idea that’s brilliant but too far ahead of its time, they’re not going to “make it” despite their talent, belief and hard work. People and ideas that are zeitgeist-adjacent usually don’t “make it” in their lifetimes. Conversely, many people “make it” just because their ideas, talents and temperaments just happen to fit the times. Brené Brown, for instance, is smart, empathic, dedicated and very clear in her vision. And she’s “made it” because our declining culture is hungry for her anti-shame messaging that other times will find indulgent and childish.
So that’s the truth about how to make it BIG in life. Sorry to be a buzzkill.
But wait! There are two loopholes, and either can be used for good or evil.
1. You might “make it” through the “want” loophole: Manipulate enough people with enough money into wanting what you’re selling. This is a common strategy we’ve used on our fellow humans for centuries, but its power is now amplified by the omnipresence and addictive design of social media and smart phones. I’m sure you can think of a dozen examples, from some stupid doohickey no one really needs, to dangerous political ideas. However, we can manipulate people into wanting something they really do need, and that is good for them. However, that raises the question of whether “manipulation” is ever a noble tactic. It raises the question of whether believing you know what’s good for someone better than they do is anything but arrogant and disrespectful of their personal sovereignty. (I think you can tell where I stand.)
2. You might “make it” through the “enough money” loophole: Sell something enough people with enough X want. This is where influence, social change and movements can happen. If the X you desire is something other than money, you may be on to something! People can “buy” with more than their money. Even those with little-to-no money can “buy” your ideas and what you represent with their time, attention, love, respect, loyalty, obedience and actions. Again, this can be used for good or evil.
The point is that believing in yourself is limited. Talent and hard work aren’t worthless, but they are overrated. I know it’s a bummer to hear the truth. But the good news is if you’re not “making it” BIG, there’s very likely NOTHING wrong with you. You just might not be not good at selling (yet), or not enough people want what you’re selling (yet), or they don’t have money (right now), or they don’t want it (at the moment) even though it’s awesome. This sucks. Things might change for them and you, and they might not. But the good news is it’s not ALL YOUR FAULT, and you’re not alone!
So for now, what can you do to feel like you’ve “made it” … even when nobody’s buying?
